Wow, does anyone even see this anymore?

Mom's dolls

The blonde doll on top is named Mia.  She is wearing her original dress and still has her little backpack full of tiny school supplies.  If you look in there you can see the words my mom wrote in her school book and the grades Mia got in school.  The story behind Mia is that during the second world war I guess everything in Germany was rationed and food was very hard to come by let alone toys.  At that time people would barter and trade for things.  Mom says you could take your silverware or whatever nice things you have out to the country and trade for food.  Mom's Opa bartered for Mia and gave it to her as a gift.  I hope I'm getting the story right.  I know my mom loved her Opa so much and he was very sweet to her.  My mom was in the sanitorium for a while when she had tuberculosis and he would visit her.  I don't know very much about him but I know he was very dear to her. 

The second doll is not a picture of her actual doll.  She doesn't have this one anymore.  She says with all the moves and the heat of Texas the doll was ruined but I remember this doll.  I even remember the smell of this doll.  She smelled like rubber and baby powder.  My mom named her Amosandra because that is what was written on her back which is very funny to me because I had a doll one time named Pat Pending because that was what was written on her back!  But enough about Miss Pending that's a story for another day.  When my mom was little she wanted a brown baby.  They have a tradition in Germany that if you want a baby, you put sugar on your window ledge for the stork.  Well, my mom put brown sugar on the window ledge.  Amosandra wasn't delivered by stork, rather by mail man as a gift from Tante Elsa (my Oma's sister) who lived in New York.  Tante Elsa knit a little blue dress and hat for the baby.  Mom was not allowed to take Amosandra on Sunday walks with the family because, you know... my Opa wasn't very accepting of the little brown baby. 

Reasons Why I Cry

I cry so easily, it isn’t even funny.  One time I was flipping through channels and I watched the last 90 seconds of a race and I totally started crying when the woman ran through the finish line and collapsed joyously into the cheering crowd.  I mean, I get upset and there’s 100% chance of rain but just as easily I get happy about something and have to fight back tears.  The other day I was watching a documentary about Katy Perry and it got to the part where stupid Russel Brand broke up with her and Katy was crying but she knew she had to perform so she put on her spinny candy dress and smiled and went on stage.  It was all I could do to hold back the tears.  I can’t even go to rodeos because I hear the national anthem and start crying.  One time I was at a missionary farewell and they sang the battle hymn of the republic, they got to the chorus and instead of hearing “Glory, glory hallelujah.  All I could hear was my dad singing, “Lore, Lore what’s it to ya.”  I cried for an hour after that.  Another time I was watching “Revenge” on Netflix and I got to the part where the dog died….I had to go get a drink of water to regain my composure.  What is wrong with me?!

Discipline

I am the most undisciplined person I know.  I can never stick to a diet or exercise program.  I hit the snooze button until there is no chance that I'll be on time to work.  I dig through the dirty laundry to find the outfit I need and wash it right before I need it.  I have at least 4 unfinished projects.  I don't rinse my dishes if they even make it to the sink.  The only thing I'm extremely consistent in is washing my hands after I go potty.
I'm also consumed by lists, like I can't clean my bathroom because I haven't made my bed yet.  I can't make my bed because I need to change the sheets and I haven't washed the other sheets yet.  I can't exercise because I haven't made the bed or cleaned the bathroom yet!

So I was laying in bed this morning and I typed in the search bar, "give me a reason to get out of bed".  I came across an article about depression.  It's not that, I'm just not motivated!  So, I read another article and it was like blah blah 5 reasons to get up early but at the end it talked about how to stay disciplined.  I just skimmed over it because I was about to be late for work but that's my whole problem.  I need to be more disciplined.  How can I be more disciplined without going to the extreme of putting up "BE MORE DISCIPLINED" signs all over my house??!!

things that make me uncomfortable...

1. when people wink at me.

There's this girl at church that always smiles and winks at me when we make eye contact.  What does that mean?  Do we have a shared secret that I'm not aware of?  Should I conspiratorially wink back?  There's another girl that I used to work with that would wink all the time too.  It's so cute when other people do it.  Whenever I try, it comes across as mentally challenged, drawing the corner of my mouth towards my winking eye in a half smile that can only be completed with some shooting gun fingers...pew, pew!

2. when teenagers at fast food restaurants call me hon.

I'm trying to think of people I call hon.  Maybe Jaxson or Takai, maybe my husband, other than that pretty much nobody. 

Oh I'm paying you for my filet o fish and you want to say thanks hon?  Well, you're welcome cutie butt.  You're welcome little princess.  You're sooooooooo welcome pooky poo.

3. hugging friends husbands

Oh my gosh, this one kills me!  I'm not a hugger to begin with but some of my friends are.  So say we go on a double date and my friend hugs me good bye, then she hugs Mike.  Now I'm obligated to hug her husband?  This causes me all kinds of anxiety.  What if I'm not sure if she's going to hug Mike or not do I shake her husbands hand?  Do I search in my purse for some phantom chap stick?  Oh my gosh, why am I so socially awkward??!!

Lesson learned

Oh my gosh, so I've been teaching Primary with Mike as my partner.  But as you know, he's gone 3 weeks of the month and my class can be a little overwhelming.  So, I finally asked the primary presidency for some help because I was getting really resentful.  So, lo and behold, January rolls around and they've assigned me to a new class with a new partner.  I didn't even know about the new partner until my very good and very pretty friend, Camille, asked me how I felt about it.

I could not even believe it!  They set me up with a Sister that I can not stand!  She always looks at me with judgy squinty eyes.  I could not even imagine what I had to look forward to.  Now, I'm going to have to prepare a lesson every other week to present to 10 four year olds and one judgy squinty Sister.  Well, at least I didn't have to do a lesson every single week any more.

So right before our first Sunday together she totally calls me up and leaves me this message about how excited she was to be my partner blah, blah. PLEASE!  Give me a BREAK!

Here's where I learned my lesson.  She came up to me on Sunday and told me she had been released from being my partner and was in the primary presidency now.  I was actually really sad.  She turned out to be really nice and funny.  I think she just has bad vision (hence the squinty eyes).  And it's funny because I always tell my daughters to not take offense just by someone's facial expression.  You never know what's in their head.  Maybe, they're day dreaming, maybe they're fuming, maybe they're trying to focus because they refuse to wear contacts.  I've spent a lot of time at church being bugged by people, thinking that they were better than me and judging me.  I've spent a lot of time at social gatherings thinking that people were looking at my shoes and wondering if I'm a janitor.  I've spent a lot of money on fake nails so people will stop judging my dirty finger nails.  I'm seriously considering getting fake eye lashes because mine are so pathetic.  But honestly, do you care or even notice my shoes, my nails, my eye lashes?  I want to stop obsessing about shallow selfish things and start venturing out and meeting people instead of always assuming that I'm not worthy of true friendship. 

Friday 5

1.  I am so happy with life right now.
2. I wish I could stop time to do things I want and then restart time to do things I have to.
3. I can not believe my baby will be 23 tomorrow.   Ya 23 as in years.  How is that even possible?  I wonder if she'll get her grown up hands.
4. I'm so done with this cold weather.  Seriously, my feet have lost feeling because they are cold allllllllll the time.
5. My grandsons are exhausting but I miss them like crazy the minute they leave me.