Worried about Christmas

I'm getting in touch with my spiritual side and I want to make this Christmas special. I really want my girls at home to think about the meaning of Christmas. Any ideas?

Music

I'm just listening to Pandora right now and they're playing The Backstreet Boys. I'm pretty sure it's not part of the song but I swear I can always hear the ksh ksh ksh of roller skates. Before that they played Brittany Spears and I don't know why but I wanted to go jump on the trampoline. I love it when music triggers a good memory. Every time I hear "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks I go back to driving Mike to work when I was pregnant with Kasara.

Sometimes songs stir up anger like, "Wake me up When September Ends" was playing when I got fired from the apartments. I can't stand that song.

Or regret, there's a song that goes "I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie" Well when I was a teenager at a youth dance, my mom told me to ask this boy to dance. We were friends, I didn't have anything against him so I did. The boy asked me if my mom told me to ask him to dance, so with those words playing in the back ground I said yes. In my 15 year old mind I didn't think it was a big deal because i would have asked him anyway but he ended up crying and I cringe every time I hear that song.

I have a song for my kids. Lost in Emotion is Kasara's song because they say her name in the chorus. Amanda has tons of songs, Amanda by Boston, Mandy by Barry Manilow and of course the church song, Count your Mandy Blessings! Poor little Macayla only has Layla by Eric Clapton and I have to sing her name really loud over the Layla part so she won't find out.

The song, "I still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" is the soundtrack to moving to Utah from Texas. I played that cassette over and over. Oh don't even get me started on how hard it was to make mixed tapes back in the day!

Oh now Pandora is playing "Moves Like Jagger" I promised Kasara I would choreograph a dance and make her a video. This song just makes me wanna dance. I have the chorus worked out but not the rest of the song. If you comment on this blog I would love to know what songs stir up memories in your heart.

Blah

Kiss Me Dirty

Kiss Me Dirty was a 5K obstacle course that benefits breast cancer awareness. Brandy talked me into going with her and I talked my friend Marcy to go with us. It was soo much fun. We started out running and got through the first obstacle which was a sprinkler spraying sideways from the fence. That got some water on my shirt, kinda anticlimatic...I gotta admit I was a little disappointed. From the start line you couldn't see the whole course though so I didn't know what was ahead. The next obstacle was a log wall. Brandy jumped over it, Marcy jumped over it, I attempted to jump over it but as I was teetering on the top log my spaghetti arms gave out on me and I fell backwards and I'm pretty sure I twisted my ankle. Not a big deal though, it was the third time I had twisted that silly ankle. At that moment I thought what would Chuck Norris do? So I got back up on that sad little ankle and ran around the side of that log wall!

After that we walked for a while. The path went from dirt trail to rock trail and we all talked about how we can't run on rocks cause they're too uneven. TB&M! (Thanks Brandy and Marcy! for making me feel like I wasn't the only one who wanted to walk) Then it got fun. There was a big puddle we had to cross, the water was just the right height to make it look like you wet your pants. After that there were some trenches to jumped over. I walked around the side of them like a champ! There were giant tunnel things to crawl through, that was way fun, I felt like a kid again.

We came to a wall called Who Needs a Man? You could either scale the wall on your own or there was a man there with a step ladder to help you over. If I remember right all 3 of us needed a man but I think I needed the man the most. Oh well, at least I made it over the wall and off to the next obstacle before Mike could get a picture of that! We walked a little further til we got to a stadium full of mud and water. Everyone else was throwing mud and splashing around but Brandy and Marcy and I are waaaay to mature for that. I might have got a little mud on Marcy but that was in self defense, and don't even refer to the video Mike took because from his angle it looked like I started it but you know how it is with camera angles! We were all covered with mud. I have to admit that at my muddiest I gave Brandy a hug to thank her for sharing this with us. But I really do love her and I really was thankful!

I want to do it again next year. I had so much fun. I got twisted my ankle, got mud in my mouth, took water from a skinny guy in a speedo and ran through soap bubbles. One of the funnest days ever!

So what

I've gained all my weight back. I've been dieting from 8am til noon everyday. At noon, I begin the binge of forbidden food. Not intentionally of course, that would just be silly. I'm usually kinda stressed and starving around noon and my attitude has always been, "Why do I have to be hungry on top of everything else I have to do?" Followed by the attitude, "I can't believe you just ate that ya big fat loser!" Anyway, I'm changing my attitude today.

I'm tired of dieting and failing. I'm putting my scale away. I'm going to recommit to the gym. I've been going 3 times a week and hating it, but I'm going to change my attitude from going there to lose weight but going there to be my fittest. I'm going to stop forbidding food. I'm going to eat what I want. I intend to keep a food journal. I'm going to concentrate on adding vegetables to my day, not as a punishment or a deprivation but as an addition to the foods I like. I'm going to control portions. I won't feel like I need to binge on my favorites because they are no longer forbidden. I am going to stop hating myself and start accepting myself. I am not a failure because I am gaining weight. I've been going through some tough things and found comfort in food. But I've begun to face them and refuse to feel sorry for myself. I have too many blessings to dwell on my struggles. I'm not saying my struggles are insignificant, I just believe that they are mountains I'm in the process of moving!

Posts I'm thinking about doing soon:
Kiss Me Dirty
How I became Tongan
Funny things Amanda says
Who I put my Panties on for

Searching for the fountain of youth

I'm so achy today. Is it because of the changing weather? It's a little rainy today.... I can't seem to hear people's voices as well, especially if the tv or radio is on. I've had my hearing checked and it's fine. People have to repeat things to me. I used to take pride in the amount of patience I had. Now I don't even have the patience to read all the words on the little card swipey thing when I'm paying for something at the store. Oh, and last night, guess what! I learned a new trick. If you wear your sewing glasses low on your nose you can look at your cross stitch and still look up at the tv! The wrinkly hands, the veiny feet. Sigh.... Why do I feel like I'm the only one going through this?

Ode to Spring by Lore Cooper

An Ode to Spring

Today as I was running out the kitchen door
I noticed Stella’s fur ball on the floor.
Instead of anger and frustration bring
My thoughts turned to the joy of spring

I don’t have a favorite season. Well, actually, I guess it would be summer but my really, really true favorite is the change of seasons. You can tell it’s spring here by the popcorn trees blooming. Who cares if there’s a little snow on them once in a while! One of the first signs of the weather getting warmer is when we start seeing a lot of broken noses in the office. That means the kids are outside playing again! Another sign is one I heard just 2 days ago…the ice cream man! I love that it’s finally getting warmer. My lawn looks fabulous from all the rain. Stella is shedding her nasty winter coat and looks beautiful! I feel like I’m rambling but I just wanted to share how this changing season is affecting me. Tomorrow is the last day of school for the girls and I’m sure people are disappointed that it’s not summery enough but I think it’s fabulous. Thank you God. Good job!

Oh, I was inspired earlier to write a poem about spring. As I was driving to work the words were flowing through my head like Edgar Allen Poe. It was going to be the next Raven but when I got to work my creativity drained so here are the remnants of my work of art…

My dog is shedding
It’s all over Macayla’s bedding
I’m driving around town with the windows down
Listening to Erasure and Queen making all my worries drown
The wind is blowing through my hair, freshly permed, full of curl
It reminds me of spring when I was a little girl.

Growing up

Yesterday I decided it's time for me to grow up. Which means get out of bed when the alarm clock goes off. Have my clothes clean and dry before I go to bed. Make up and hair done and on time to work. Things like that... So this morning my alarm went off and I hit my snooze button. I laid in bed thinking about how bad I had to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to give up my precious snooze minutes. In the end, the bladder won. Just like it always does. :/ But I didn't go back to bed after that like I normally would. I straightened my room and the bathroom, let Stella out, rotated the laundry. I made sure I was ready to go early enough to be sure to get the trash cans out to the street. And as I was driving away to work (on time) I was filled with pride to see that I was the first one on the street to get the trashcans out! :) Then I realized, trash day is tomorrow.

Sigh....

I'm giving up on the happy missions. Maybe I'll try again in the future. For now, I've just upped the happy pills and that seems to be working too. I love my family so much. As a mother, I think it is common to feel unappreciated. But my birthday just past and my family really made me feel special. I'm a lucky girl :)

Mission 5 For People You Know

Give a friend your favorite inspirational book with a personal note attached. Hmmmm....

Fail

I gotta admit. I can't play sports with people I don't know in the park. However, Camille, I would love to play water balloon softball with your kids this summer. Don't forget!

Mission 4~ For Yourself

Play sports with people you don't know in the park. Are you freaking kidding me? Am I trying to make enemies here? Why would I want to join a team of strangers and make them lose? I was playing wii bowling the other day and fell down! I really need help on this one. Suggestions PLEASE!!!!

Mission 3 Accomplished

I remember one time when Kasara was little, we had gone bowling and after we said goodbye to our friends and drove away she started crying inconsolably. I finally got her to stop long enough to tell me what was wrong. She was panicked because her dad had left his 32 ounce drink in the parking lot and he was just moments away from turning into a litter bug. When I lived in Texas the motto was, " Don't mess with Texas!" and it was always important to me not to litter. I believe that this earth was a gift and it is our responsibility to maintain it's beauty. On the other hand though all this eco-friendly business has not been very important to me. It's been hard for me to see how one person can really make a difference. So I did my research and this is what I found. There is a lot of information out there about eco-friendly materials. I learned that bamboo is really durable and easily replenished. It takes about 3 years to replace a bamboo crop but much longer to replace a tree. Cotton seems to be the foundation of all clothes but it isn't green because it is treated with pesticides. Hemp is another green material that was mentioned. It yields 250% more fiber an acre than cotton. And don't worry, according to my resources hemp will only get you high on life and the environment. Organic cotton is being produced with synthetic fertilizers and no toxic pesticides. I tried to find bio-friendly personal care materials but most links took me to websites trying to sell stuff. I did find out however that there are disposable utensils you can buy that are made out of cornstarch biocompostables. One of my quirks is that I can't eat icecream with a metal spoon. :P So this is information that I can use. A few words kept coming up in my research. First of all, obviously, eco-friendly is used to describe activities which are good for the environment. Renewable resources can be replenished and are reproduced easily. Biodegradable means the dissolution of materials by bacteria or other biological means. Approximated Time for Compounds to Biodegrade Product Time to Biodegrade Vegetables 5days- 1 month Paper 2-5 months Cotton Tshirts 6 months Orange Peels 6 months Trees Leaves 1 year Wool Socks 1-5 years Plastic Coated Milk Carton 5 years Leather Shoes 24-40 years Nylon Fabric 30-40 years Tin Cans 50-100 years Aluminum Cans 80-100 years Glass Bottles 1 million years Styrofoam Cups 500 years- forever Plastic Bags 500 years- forever I am going to set a goal to recycle glass because it can be made into many new things and it takes quite a while (1 million years) to decompose. Also, those dang shopping bags. Don't you hate seeing them blowing around and stuck in trees? I use them a lot to line bed and bathroom trash cans but sometimes when I get to many I just throw them away. From now on I'll take the excess to Walmart to be recycled. The website I used for a lot of my info was ecosalon.com. It has a link on the left of where you can find eco-friendly businesses near you. I'm going to look up where to recycle glass!

Mission #3 ~ For Our World

Research the most eco-friendly materials for clothing and personal care and share them with your friends. Sigh....Okaaaay

Mission 2 Accomplished!

I decided to do this one at Walmart. I've been feeling bad for putting it off so long. When Mike picked me up from work I invited him to join the adventure. We decided to go to the toy department and pretend like we were looking at toys. I really wanted to see the reaction of the kid that found the quarters. So we scoped out the toy department and decided to put them in front of the games because that's where the one kid was that was in the toy department. But he left before we planted the money. Still we thought it would be a good place to wait. We waited and waited. We looked at the puzzles and the Rubik's cube. I know Mike was having fun because the magic 8 ball told me so. Finally when the Walmart stocker lady started hovering around we decided to try a different strategy. We scoped out the toy department one more time...not a child in sight. I was kind of in a hurry because I had to be at Zumba at 7 so we decided to try the cereal aisle. Right as we were walking up there we knew we made the right decision because there was already a little kid leaving the aisle. There's always kids on the cereal aisle.... Except for when I want them to be! Finally a family of boys came down the aisle. I hurried and put the quarters by the Lucky Charms and pretended like I was reading an oatmeal label. I heard one of the boys exclaim woohoo! I felt so happy that I made this little boy so excited! It turns out he was only excited because his dad had lifted him out of the cart. They walked right by the quarters! We weren't getting any action on the cereal aisle so we moved over to the candy aisle. Seriously? We live in Utah! Where are all the kids??!! No kids on the candy aisle. So we moved over to bologna. There was a family there so Mike hurried and set the quarters right in front of the bacon. The bacon that was on the other side of where the family turned and walked away! Next we tried the easter candy aisle. No kids! I was starting to get a little panicky because I needed to get home but I really wanted to finish this. So Mike (I love him!) approached the family that had been by the bologna. He pulled the dad aside and explained to him what we were trying to do and if he would steer his daughter to find the quarters. She was about 5 or maybe 6 years old. So we planted the quarters just at her height in front of the bunny shaped marshmallows. I could barely contain myself as she came around the corner and....walked right past them. Her dad had seen them though so he walked back and pretended to be looking at candy. She followed him, walked up to the quarters and got on her tippy toes and pointed to the lollipops on the shelf above them. We were trying so hard not to laugh! And then oh my gosh, this lady came around the corner and started grabbing bags of bunny shaped marshmallows all around the quarters! The pink ones, the yellow ones. I would have been so crushed if she would have taken the quarters! Somehow she either didn't see them or didn't take them. After she left the little girl FINALLY saw the quarters. It was so cute. She saw them and then went over to her dad and said "daddy!" and pointed at them. She didn't want to take them because they weren't hers but her dad said it was ok. It was so nice to see the innocence of a child, knowing that those quarters weren't hers and asking permission of her dad. She was so cute walking away with her handful of quarters and Mike and I had a lot of fun accomplishing this mission!

Mission #2 ~ For those unknown

HIDE SPARE CHANGE WHERE A STRANGER WILL FIND IT WITHIN THE HOUR

This will be easy. I'll just go over to Walmart and put a stack of change on the cereal or candy aisle. I think I'll put it down low so a child will find it. I don't think I have enough spare change to really impress an adult! But I want to see what happens when they find it. How am I going to pull that off? I guess I can just hang around and look at cereal til someone finds it. What if their mom tells them to put it back? What if they put it in their mouth and choke? What do you think I should do for this mission? Taking suggestions!

I made bread...

So I've been thinking and thinking of who to make the bread for. I was so excited about this idea. As time went by I decided to make bread for several of my friends! I got up this morning and got the laundry going and started making bread. I always make pigs in blankets when I make bread but I had to wait for Amanda to bring me some jalapenos so I made the loaves first. I got the first two loaves rising and started on the second batch. That's about the time I noticed my feet were starting to hurt... and that's the last batch of bread I made. So in the end I made two loaves for my family and some pigs in blankets and only one loaf for a friend. :I

I chose to give the loaf to Darlene Pierce. She used to be the relief society president and has always been very nice to me. She taught me how to knit and always gives me a hug on Sunday. She wasn't home when I got there but her husband was. He was just leaving. He said that their daughter was sick and Darlene was with her and would be spending the night over there. He was headed over there too. I told him to let her know how much I appreciate her and all she's done.

I have been grouchy today, I don't know why. I just don't have patience anymore. But when I walked away from Brother Pierce I could have been walking on clouds. I can't remember what the next idea is I left the list at work so I'll be blogging about that next week!

Blog by Mac

I just joined the track team at my high school.. At the beginning of each season they have a 5k fun run to raise money for the team. That 5k run happened to be today. So me, my mom, and my dad all woke up early this morning and met at Elton park. There, they shuttled us up to the gun club. We warmed up and the coach shot his gun and off we went.. The very first part was uphill but it was mostly downhill. I took off running with a group of my friends. There were times i wanted to stop but i wanted to keep up with my friends so i pushed myself harder... There was a lady there from the newspaper taking pictures. When we finished the race she came up to us and asked for our names. Then, she told us as we were running closer to her she noticed we have A LOT of personality and just had to take our pictures for the newspaper!! It would be pretty cool if i made the front cover.(: haha.

When i was running and saw the finish line me and Jackie pushed as hard as we could to make it there as fast as we could. It felt good to cross the line and have all those people cheering for you. I came in 68th place (out of an estimate of 200 people). my time was 37:54. Its nice having all this support from my family and track team. I'm excited to be trying new things and meeting new people.!

March Madness

I have been so grouchy lately. Ask anyone! Everybody bugs me from the people closest to me to the chick with the german accent on the walmart intercom. I feel like everything is getting worse and worse. I don't even like hanging out with me because I bug myself! I am desperately searching for an attitude change. I'll never forget the time I was at Primary Children's hospital waiting for Kasara to finish with her babysitting class. I was in the bathroom and I overheard a conversation between two moms about their kids. The moms knew each other because both of their kids were cancer patients there. They greeted each other and asked how things were and the one mom started talking about how lucky and grateful she was that it turned out that her child had one kind of cancer instead of another. What a thing to be grateful for. It's so easy to forget my blessings and as I start to think about it I might even say I have more blessings than bad things. Even though the bad things can feel suffocating sometimes. I'm not a very selfless person but I do remember times when I helped other people and it made me forget my problems for a while. So here's my plan...I'm going to try to do a random act of kindness as often as I can and blog about it. Not to brag but for the selfish fact it will hopefully make me less grouchy! I printed off a list off of the internet (because I'm so grouchy I can't even come up with my own stuff!) The list is broken up into 4 categories; for people you know, for those unknown, for our world and for yourself. There are 13 ideas in each category and as you do each one the next one gets harder. The first suggestion is leave a snack for an unsuspecting co-worker or friend. Right now I'm thinking I will make a loaf of bread and give it to my friend Camille. I'm not completely committed to that yet, I'm still thinking about it. I'll let you know what I decide!

:(

I'm so sick of this. I don't want to do it anymore.

Confused

I just finished reading an article in the Readers Digest that said you can eat bacon and egg yolks and any fatty protein you want, it doesn't even matter JUST STAY AWAY FROM CARBS! Then I came to work and opened up the internet and up popped an article about how good carbs are for you JUST STAY AWAY FROM FAT! I have 2 hard cover weight loss books on my bookshelf, one paper back, probably 10 prevention magazines. They say my weight problem is due to inner turmoil, genetics and the media. I read that exercising can make you fat because you get hungrier. Oh yeah, I have another book that says eat til you're full then stop. Hmmmm, I usually don't realize I'm full til I'm into my third bowl of taco salad! I've tried using smaller plates to force smaller portions. Some days I'm just so confused! I do know one thing though, I had a coupon to try the McDonalds oatmeal and it was yummy!

When calories shouldn't count...

I can't remember if I've already written about this, but this is what is on my mind right now. Times when calories shouldn't count; liquids, liquids should not affect your diet, liquids should be beneficial. I'm counting frappucinos and soft serve ice cream...

When you're eating alone; the other day Mike stole Amanda's candy bar and I went to bed before him and had a row of chocolate before he came up. That happy moment of self indulgence shouldn't count against me. Nobody saw!

Gummy bears...They're fruit! They should be good for you. Cinnamon bears/santas...Cinnamon is supposed to boost your metabolism so they should be good for you....sigh

I wonder if brussel sprouts were not allowed if I would crave them and if I could have all the chocolate I wanted I would hate it?

Mom, you asked me the other day which is harder, dieting or exercising. Definately dieting. I love exercising now. I love feeling myself become stronger. I hate counting calories, I hate trying to understand it all when every time I turn around the rules change. I'm not on a diet as much as making changes that I can live with. I know, I know, we've heard it a million times and the frustrating part is that the weight comes off a lot slower but my intent is for it to stay off.

Inspiration for mom ;)

I wasn't going to blog today because I didn't go to the gym yesterday and I ate like a pig. But there are a couple of things I want to put out there. I was reading an article the other day about people that blog and how it helps them lose weight. At the end of each persons story they would say what their greatest tip is. One guy said, "Don't let a failure ruin your day, week, month. If you get a hole in one tire are you going to slash the other three?" That made a lot of sense to me. It illustrated how self destructive those inner voices can be. Another person said, "Weight loss must be about self love not self loathing." That was like a slap in the face. If I loved myself would I be so preoccupied with a scale and a size. If I loved myself wouldn't I be more concerned about putting the best things in this body that I love? If I loved me would I tear myself apart because I had a piece of cake? I look in the mirror with disgust but I need to see the body that has had 3 kids. The body that moves me painlessly throughout my life. My healthy body has treated me well, I have been blessed.

warning

I want to start blogging about dieting again so I'm putting up this warning that it will be mostly for me. It helps me think about things when I blog. I'm excited to start again but I'm worried that most of the content will be boring or whiny or blah, blah, blah. So I'm warning you now so if you see I blogged you will know it's nothing fabulous just my ramblings. The support of my friends made a huge difference and gave me a lot of strength last year. I'm so greatful for my friends and family!