Today at lunch I was walking around WalMart trying to decide what to get Mike for lunch. I had lunch at 11 because I didn't want to go to the store hungry. I went to the deli and could smell the chicken. I know the chicken isn't that good but it smelled wonderful. I went to the bakery to get him a snack. Snickerdoodles! I can't remember the last time I've had a snickerdoodle. I went up and down the frozen food aisle. French fries, sausage, quesadillas, mozarella sticks.... I started panicking thinking how not fair it is that I can't have what I want. I thought about calling someone for support but I was kinda having a little melt down and I didn't want to start crying on the phone because I want something fried and covered in cheese! Still, as I was going through the list of people that support me I actually felt the hunger leave me and my determination came back. It amazes me how much having people close to me makes a difference. I spent the majority of my life thinking that I am a rock and I can deal with anything by myself.

As I was driving away from WalMart I started thinking about how I always thought a hot, juicy bacon cheese burger brought me happiness or how a new lip gloss made me feel pretty. I am realizing that these thoughts are still true to me but I am coming to understand how shallow and disappointing these truths are. The indulgence of the cheese burger leaves me self loathing in the end and the lip gloss wears off. Happiness is having self control. Beauty is being strong, being off my meds and walking tall.