Sooooo tomorrow is the anniversary of my dad passing away and I'm not handling it as well as I hoped I would. I think people that say that you can prepare for hard times and control your diet are full of crap! I'm trying to get through today and this week the best I can and I'm supposed to deal with being hungry on top of everything else??? I've been to all the diet/diabetes classes, I've read all the books but, how do people in the real world get through this? I know I'm not the only one in the world that has been through a tough time so if you've got any advice for me I can really use it right now.

It's looking like I'm not going to reach my goal of 205 by 3/17. I'm starting to wonder if I set my goals a little too high. Is 195 by April 5th unreasonable? It would be so awesome to weigh less than 200 at the end of the contest. So that gives me 19 days to lost 20 pounds.....not likely.

Guess who has two thumbs and lost 25 pounds!!! Six more pounds til I weigh what my drivers license says I do!

I've started doing push ups at the gym. Sooooo embarrassing! I suck at push ups I've hated them since 1972. But it's something I want to conquer so I just throw on my cloak of invisibility and go at it! Thank goodness I have the cloak to protect me from the glaring eyes of all the haters. Little do they know that I may be weak now but I get stronger and stronger every day. One of these days I am going to be that girl that does push ups in perfect form. Others will be looking at me jealous because I do it with such ease and I'm so lucky to be so fit! Ha!

K, It's getting to the point where I'm going to have to start saying bad words! Why does the scale mock me and laugh at me? Ya know how I was all gung ho, going to the gym twice a day blah, blah, blah. So my friend at the gym told me that doing weights that much without taking a break in between isn't doing me any good because I'm not giving them time to repair. So I guess all that effort was wasted because I was doing it wrong! Ok.... breathe......holding back the swearing.....

Today at lunch I was walking around WalMart trying to decide what to get Mike for lunch. I had lunch at 11 because I didn't want to go to the store hungry. I went to the deli and could smell the chicken. I know the chicken isn't that good but it smelled wonderful. I went to the bakery to get him a snack. Snickerdoodles! I can't remember the last time I've had a snickerdoodle. I went up and down the frozen food aisle. French fries, sausage, quesadillas, mozarella sticks.... I started panicking thinking how not fair it is that I can't have what I want. I thought about calling someone for support but I was kinda having a little melt down and I didn't want to start crying on the phone because I want something fried and covered in cheese! Still, as I was going through the list of people that support me I actually felt the hunger leave me and my determination came back. It amazes me how much having people close to me makes a difference. I spent the majority of my life thinking that I am a rock and I can deal with anything by myself.

As I was driving away from WalMart I started thinking about how I always thought a hot, juicy bacon cheese burger brought me happiness or how a new lip gloss made me feel pretty. I am realizing that these thoughts are still true to me but I am coming to understand how shallow and disappointing these truths are. The indulgence of the cheese burger leaves me self loathing in the end and the lip gloss wears off. Happiness is having self control. Beauty is being strong, being off my meds and walking tall.

The contest ends April 5th. :/